CG: SO THIS IS THE FIRST VIDEO POST OF THE BUNCH.

[fuckity]

So, ummmmmm.

[ Cue a teenage boy addressing the network! Well, he's sort of like a teenage boy, if teenage boys were grey and had sharp nails and tiny candy corn horns. There are bags under his eyes like he hasn't slept in about, uh, a decade, and he rubs at one of them in irritation, his lips peeling back into a bit of a snarl. ]

What gives? Exactly? I sign up for one thing and get a-fucking-nother? What the everloving turd is up with that? Oh, hey, guys, Karkat's showed up, let's all change the rules and move everything around and really confuse everyone and shit! Haha! Thank you and fuck you very kindly!

[ He pauses a beat, face still screwed up into something irritated - 'tch', he punctuates everything with a glance off to the side and seems to be thinking hard about something. ]

I'm going to look for apple juice. Because I know some asshole and he never shuts the actual bleeding fuck up about apple juice. If I can find anything on this thing!!

Comments

[fuckity]

I have priorities coming out of every sphincter I own, pal!

Well, come on. You can't sign up some asshole for one thing and then give a complete other. How's a guy supposed to get used to anything at any time?

[mistconduct]

What's the thing you signed up for, asshole?

[fuckity]

Well, here, numbnuts!

Uh, I'm not a shithead slaughterous psychopath so I guess that makes me a Warden.

[mistconduct]

Well, fuck you, too, dickhead.

[fuckity]

Fuck you first, bro! You ask, I answer!

[mistconduct]

No, fuck you for thinking all inmates are psychopaths, you dick!

[fuckity]

[ His eyes roll. ] Well, they certainly did something incredibly fucking stupid in order to get themselves landed here. You don't get thrown into prison on daisy chains and asspats.

[mistconduct]

You are an unbelievable shithead and I feel really fucking sorry for whoever you get paired with.

[fuckity]

Ouch, sick, I'm really wounded by all these harsh burns.

You don't know the first thing about me, asshole. I could be the greatest warden this piece of shit's ever seen and you'd never know because you've just got your undergarments all tangled up in your nook. What are you, an Inmate who's devious ways just got offended? Or the best buddy Warden who thinks every bad-doer out there's just misunderstood?

[mistconduct]

Yeah, eat me, cocksucker.

Oh, yeah? Seriously, I doubt you could graduate a fucking nun. And I'm none of your goddamn business, cuntwaffle.

[fuckity]

Hahaha! [ It's less a laugh, more of a shitty pronunciation of each 'ha' in Chris' direction to emphasize his point. ] You fucking wish.

Nun, what is a nun even. [ Or a 'cunt' for that matter, but he's going to assume it's a flavor of waffle and not understand why this is a particular insult. ] I could graduate one with my eyes closed, I bet you goddamn boonbucks on that one.

[mistconduct]

You don't know what a nun is but you throw made-up bullshit words like boonbucks at me. Okay.

And for your fucking information, I'm an inmate and I've never killed anyone in my fucking life. So fuck your game.

[fuckity]

It's almost as if we're from alternate universes and the constructs of mine are different from your own! Wow, fucking imagine that.

What the hell did you do, steal a pony or something? [ He spits it out sarcastically, but there's a note of genuine interest there. ] Look, fuckass, I can't be the first person to let you know that there are some genuine, absolutely fucking faithless people out there beyond redemption. Granted, there's no guarantee of them being here, but that doesn't further clout their existence. Congratulations, you're presumably not one of them.

[mistconduct]

Well, that would explain why you look like such a dumb motherfucker, wouldn't it?

Wow. Yeah, awesome. You're such a beacon of confidence, I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want you on your team. Jesus, the amount of faith you have in redemption is super overwhelming, guy.

[fuckity]

I'm not the squishy pink one waving his nuns and waffles in my face, I wouldn't get so narcissistic!

[ His lips pull back into a bit of a snarl again, a clawed finger rapping impatiently against the camera. ] Is that refutable? Can you argue against the point that some fuckers out there just want to rain fire down from the goddamn skies and nothing else?

[mistconduct]

I can argue that you're a stereotyping dick who doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

[fuckity]

This stereotyping dick has obviously seen a lot more shit than the inmate and you could ergo probably stand to learn a thing or two.

[mistconduct]

I call total and absolute bullshit.

[fuckity]

On what? On the shit I've been through or the concept of you learning?

[mistconduct]

On you seeing a lot more shit than me, dumbass.

[fuckity]

[ He actually looks vaguely offended by that one, pauses a moment and leans in closer to the screen to bare his teeth. ]

Fucking try me.

[mistconduct]

....Well, to begin, I fucking had braces and you didn't.

I mean, jesus christ.

[fuckity]

[ Nope, this joke is lost on him. ]

- Like for your legs or what?

[mistconduct]

For your teeth, dumbass.

[fuckity]

Well, how the fuck am I supposed to know! Why would you put them on your teeth?