CG: SO THIS IS THE FIRST VIDEO POST OF THE BUNCH.

[fuckity]

So, ummmmmm.

[ Cue a teenage boy addressing the network! Well, he's sort of like a teenage boy, if teenage boys were grey and had sharp nails and tiny candy corn horns. There are bags under his eyes like he hasn't slept in about, uh, a decade, and he rubs at one of them in irritation, his lips peeling back into a bit of a snarl. ]

What gives? Exactly? I sign up for one thing and get a-fucking-nother? What the everloving turd is up with that? Oh, hey, guys, Karkat's showed up, let's all change the rules and move everything around and really confuse everyone and shit! Haha! Thank you and fuck you very kindly!

[ He pauses a beat, face still screwed up into something irritated - 'tch', he punctuates everything with a glance off to the side and seems to be thinking hard about something. ]

I'm going to look for apple juice. Because I know some asshole and he never shuts the actual bleeding fuck up about apple juice. If I can find anything on this thing!!

Comments

[mistconduct]

FINE! Fine! You're not a gopher! Jesus christ!

[fuckity]

Well, fucking fine! [ victory. ]

[ And then a beat. ]

What the hell were we talking about again?

[mistconduct]

...Dude, I honestly have no goddamn idea.

[fuckity]

Okay, good, because it was probably something utterly off the walls stupid.

[ He pauses begrudgingly, one of the corners of his mouth pulling into a grimace. ] I'm sorry I implied you were some psycho murderer, I guess.

[mistconduct]

...Yeah. Sorry I said you looked like a gopher, or whatever.

My name's Chris.

[fuckity]

Hah! I'm still not sorry about the elf thing.

It's Karkat.

[mistconduct]

Yeah, well, what the fuck ever, man. Elves don't have black hair.

Car-cat. Jesus.

[fuckity]

What? What the fuck elves are you looking at?

It's just Karkat. It's okay, I'm not your human lord and savior, I don't have the hair for it. [ Ha! Ha ha! He thinks he's hilarious at least. ]

[mistconduct]

...Lord of the Rings...?

No, not Jesus jesus, ass. I mean. I'm expressing disbelief at your stupid fucking name.

[fuckity]

I don't care whatever masteries of jewelry they've honed, elves can totally have black fucking hair!

[ what oh HEY ] There's nothing wrong with my name! It's a fucking name, it's not Chris. Like Chris my ass, you fuck, because Karkat is a name.

[mistconduct]

You bitch to me about elves and you don't know what Lord of the Rings is. Wow.

Chris is short for Christopher and it's the name of a fucking saint! Jesus christ. What does Karkat even mean, 'gnomey dickhead'?

[fuckity]

Dude. I'm a fucking alien, cut me a break. What is this you're getting so offended about, one of your mounds of literal hoofbeast dung you try to pass off as movies?

Well, but you're not a saint, now are you!! [ His shoulders hunch. ] It means go eat a dick is what it means.

I am really, really sorry about this guy's mouth. Let me know if I'm going too far/need to back off

[mistconduct]

I'm just saying that if you're going to call someone an elf, it helps to know the definitive writing about elves. Ass.

It means "my mom named me after the place and thing she lost her virginity to" is what it means.

oh my gosh, no, don't even worry about it - this is hilarious! karkat's very used to it, i promise.

[fuckity]

[ Karkat's hands throw up in the air. ]

Oh, wow, xenophobia! Talk about cultural sensitivities! This is firstly assuming that trolls have none of their own elven lore - they do, by the by, you fuck - but also that I even have a mother. Ha! Ha ha! Joke's on you! You quivelling snot rag.

Oh, brilliant, thank you! It's mostly all talk, no substance, but I wanted to check in first

[mistconduct]

....You're a motherless troll?

Jesus that's pathetic.

No problem! Hah, same on this end. This is going to be a friendship based on mutual hatred, I GUESS.

[fuckity]

Yeah, I didn't have some lady to wipe my ass because I couldn't do it for myself. Soooo fucking sorry that trolls take care of their-fucking-selves because we're not pissy little weaklings pooping all over ourselves when we get shot out.

It's the best kind of friendship there is.

[mistconduct]

...



Sorry, I'm just having trouble imagining you as a shitty little baby trying to wipe your own ass.

[fuckity]

Please, I wasn't a squirmy little pink blob of fat!

Trolls are grubs.

[ Somehow this is superior to him, he looks fairly proud. ]

[mistconduct]

[Sorry, Karkat. Chris just starts laughing]

[fuckity]

Wh-

[ WHY IS THIS FUNNY ] Oh, fuck off, buddy! You wouldn't know cultural sensitivities if they crawled up your asshole and set up fucking camp!!

[mistconduct]

Seriously? You're seriously going to get pissed at me for not being culturally sensitive.

On the fucking Barge.

Grubs. Wow.

[fuckity]

Yeah, grubs! You know what, I am! It's fucking hard being a wriggler; I'm almost glad nobody else has to go through with it, you shitfuck!

[mistconduct]

Go back to your mudpit, dirt-wriggler.

[fuckity]

Here, let me go do that- OH WAIT, it's fucking gone and I'm stuck here on this barge of poop and assholes.

Is this supposed to convince me inmates aren't all shitheads or what?

[mistconduct]

I can't remember what I was supposed to convince you. I got distracted when you called yourself a troll bug.