CG: SO THIS IS THE FIRST VIDEO POST OF THE BUNCH.

[fuckity]

So, ummmmmm.

[ Cue a teenage boy addressing the network! Well, he's sort of like a teenage boy, if teenage boys were grey and had sharp nails and tiny candy corn horns. There are bags under his eyes like he hasn't slept in about, uh, a decade, and he rubs at one of them in irritation, his lips peeling back into a bit of a snarl. ]

What gives? Exactly? I sign up for one thing and get a-fucking-nother? What the everloving turd is up with that? Oh, hey, guys, Karkat's showed up, let's all change the rules and move everything around and really confuse everyone and shit! Haha! Thank you and fuck you very kindly!

[ He pauses a beat, face still screwed up into something irritated - 'tch', he punctuates everything with a glance off to the side and seems to be thinking hard about something. ]

I'm going to look for apple juice. Because I know some asshole and he never shuts the actual bleeding fuck up about apple juice. If I can find anything on this thing!!

Comments

video

[fuckity]

[ Karkat snorts derisively, almost laughs. ] Shit doesn't catch me off guard anymore.

Besides, given my sources on this silly apple juice crap? It's not going to be all too spectacular. I'm set up for disappointment.

video

[espanola]

Never off guard? [He considers this. Can't tell if he's bragging.] You're very lucky.

But I'm sure you could weaponize apple juice!

video

[fuckity]

Lucky's a funny word for it. The way I see it, I've just been through a penultimate mound of horse shit.

[ Excuse him while he deals with this bullshit that has just been laid out in front of him ahem - ] That is the dumbest fucking idea for a strife specibus I've ever heard of.

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[espanola]

But now you're prepared.

[ . . . He doesn't know what a strife specibus is THIS SUCKS but he refuses to ask.]

A weapon is a weapon. It's not elegant, though, you're right.

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[fuckity]

Now I'm jaded. There's a difference.

[ He's wrinkling his nose now, just imagining this sight before him and it's not pretty. ] Not elegant? What the fuck are you going to do, throw a glassful at someone and flay them alive? It's illogical.

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[espanola]

Then you're not prepared?

Apple juice is already fairly acidic, you could always adjust it. [He is seriously considering this.]

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[fuckity]

[ Karkat lets out a scoff of laughter. ] It doesn't matter how you feel, that doesn't mean barrels of hoofbeast shit stops getting thrown at you.

Whoa, what the fuck? How acidic? Visceral melting? [ STRIDERRRRRR. ]

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[espanola]

But you've won so far? [Just trying to decide if you're a hero and he should be annoyed by you don't mind him.]

Not unmodified, no. Not usually.

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[fuckity]

Oh, yeah, the motherfucking jackpot. [ A bit of a frown goes here. ] I mean, I'm still fucking breathing, so I guess that really depends on your definition.

Hmm. [ okay cool he can relax a little, he has not been punk'd on this day ] As if getting covered in some shitty beverage isn't punishment enough, you want to make it face-searing too?

video

[espanola]

That's the correct definition of winning! [Well, no, living forever is, but this kid does not need to know that.]

Of course. I'd hate for you to be disappointed.

video

[fuckity]

Um. By that definition, I could be rolling in a sewer, calling myself the Pooplord whilst wearing a hat of socks, and I could still be on top of the world.

In the apple juice? Or in you?

video

[espanola]

Mm. But you'd be breathing. What's your definition?

In the apple juice. I'm sure I won't disappoint you.

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[fuckity]

Breathing in sludge. [ He wets his lips thoughtfully for a moment. ] I'm not satisfied with just breathing, anyone can fucking breathe. You don't have to earn breathing. It's not winning until I feel like I've won.

[ Another snort, almost impressed. ] Confident much?

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[espanola]

[ . . . Interesting. Toto scoots closer to the camera and considers him.] And what happens after you win?

Yes. I am. I'm very interesting. Ask anyone.

video

[fuckity]

How the fuck am I supposed to know? Nah, I'm not deciding that until it's in my hands. [ A beat. ] I don't like getting ahead of myself.

[ Future him is such a little bastard. ]

Is that a challenge? Because I will legitimately ask. What's your name anyway?

video

[espanola]

[This sounds suspiciously heroic Karkat.] You're not good at planning, are you?

Toto Sakigami. Please ask. [So that he can brag about how he killed a bunch of people. It's called SUCCESS.]

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[fuckity]

Fuck you, I'm the fucking king of planning! Also schemes. [ But after enough of them fall through, yeah, he hasn't planned out much in a while. ] I was.

[ He seems almost eager, that's interesting. ] Inmate?

video

[espanola]

Mm, I see. Maybe you can be king of something else. Like apple juice.

What gave it away?

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[fuckity]

Well, if that isn't the most shittastic title I've ever heard in my life then I don't know what is.

Good guys feel the need to be way the fuck more humble than this if they have something good to brag about.

video

[espanola]

You could be king of a different kind of juice.

Am I bragging? I didn't realize. [He completely did. But he wants to know Karkat's train of thought.]

video

[fuckity]

What, like prunes? As if!

[ Karkat watches him for a moment, his face splitting into a bit of a grin. ] Yes, you fucking did. You could say I'm an expert of smarmy jackholes. It comes with the job.

video

[espanola]

Orange? Grape?

[His eyes widen in surprise, hurt - and then, look at this, a smile. Not a super nice one.] Oh, I see. But - you're bragging, too. Does that mean you're a 'bad guy'?

video

[fuckity]

No. Cherry.

[ Karkat looks a little surprised; not by the smile, that's a familiar one - Jack and Slick, they both carried it well - but the assumption that he might be a bad guy, for whatever reason. ] Fuck no. I'm just an asshole.

video

[espanola]

King of cherry juice. [This may or may not be your name now Karkat.]

But you're not a good guy, or you wouldn't be bragging, according to your rules.

video

[fuckity]

[ It's kind of thrilling in a secret way that he's so not getting into. ] Still sounds like turd.

I never said I was a good guy. [ He stretches his arms up over his head, cracking his knuckles before he lets them slip back down, gives a vacant wave. ] I'm just a Warden. There's probably a difference.