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CG: SO THIS IS THE FIRST VIDEO POST OF THE BUNCH.

So, ummmmmm.

[ Cue a teenage boy addressing the network! Well, he's sort of like a teenage boy, if teenage boys were grey and had sharp nails and tiny candy corn horns. There are bags under his eyes like he hasn't slept in about, uh, a decade, and he rubs at one of them in irritation, his lips peeling back into a bit of a snarl. ]

What gives? Exactly? I sign up for one thing and get a-fucking-nother? What the everloving turd is up with that? Oh, hey, guys, Karkat's showed up, let's all change the rules and move everything around and really confuse everyone and shit! Haha! Thank you and fuck you very kindly!

[ He pauses a beat, face still screwed up into something irritated - 'tch', he punctuates everything with a glance off to the side and seems to be thinking hard about something. ]

I'm going to look for apple juice. Because I know some asshole and he never shuts the actual bleeding fuck up about apple juice. If I can find anything on this thing!!

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Fuck you twice! No, you know what, all annoying shows of merriment cancelled for the perigee, hypothetical or no.

I have no idea how long a perigee is, gonna assume it's a second. Can I play my kazoo now?

That's not very heroic of you. Aren't you supposed to jump into the fray?

Oh my god, do you even have a kazoo? If you have a kazoo I am going to eat my communicator right now.

Like we knew it at the time!

[ He angrily takes a swig, somehow even managing to make the act of drinking apple juice bitter, like he's knocking back a shot or something. ]

Even if it's kind of a shitty planet to start out with?

I don't care whatever masteries of jewelry they've honed, elves can totally have black fucking hair!

[ what oh HEY ] There's nothing wrong with my name! It's a fucking name, it's not Chris. Like Chris my ass, you fuck, because Karkat is a name.

Tsk. [ He props up his chin on a hand, frowning. ] And what? Be very incredibly confused by a world that I don't know the rules of yet? I'll fray when a fray is presented to me. I'll master the shit out of that fray while I'm at it.

But until then, juice, I guess.

You bitch to me about elves and you don't know what Lord of the Rings is. Wow.

Chris is short for Christopher and it's the name of a fucking saint! Jesus christ. What does Karkat even mean, 'gnomey dickhead'?

Hey, it's not my fault we don't have a bar. Blame the Admiral for being legitimately insane.

Unless the fray catches you off guard while you're drinking juice.

[He's just saying.]

[ Karkat snorts derisively, almost laughs. ] Shit doesn't catch me off guard anymore.

Besides, given my sources on this silly apple juice crap? It's not going to be all too spectacular. I'm set up for disappointment.

Is that who I'm writing my letter of complaint to? The insane person who is somehow in charge?

Never off guard? [He considers this. Can't tell if he's bragging.] You're very lucky.

But I'm sure you could weaponize apple juice!

Dude. I'm a fucking alien, cut me a break. What is this you're getting so offended about, one of your mounds of literal hoofbeast dung you try to pass off as movies?

Well, but you're not a saint, now are you!! [ His shoulders hunch. ] It means go eat a dick is what it means.

Lucky's a funny word for it. The way I see it, I've just been through a penultimate mound of horse shit.

[ Excuse him while he deals with this bullshit that has just been laid out in front of him ahem - ] That is the dumbest fucking idea for a strife specibus I've ever heard of.

I'm just saying that if you're going to call someone an elf, it helps to know the definitive writing about elves. Ass.

It means "my mom named me after the place and thing she lost her virginity to" is what it means.

[ Karkat's hands throw up in the air. ]

Oh, wow, xenophobia! Talk about cultural sensitivities! This is firstly assuming that trolls have none of their own elven lore - they do, by the by, you fuck - but also that I even have a mother. Ha! Ha ha! Joke's on you! You quivelling snot rag.

Pretty much. Nobody else who can actually do anything.

Tell me, how long has this asshole been in charge? And crazily so, for that matter.

Forever, as far as I'm aware. Although I can tell you he's significantly more crazy right now than he has been in the two or three years I've been here.

....You're a motherless troll?

Jesus that's pathetic.

Without so much as a mutiny?

[ Another beat, and then: ] You've been here that long?

Oh no, there's been tons of mutiny. The last mutiny ended in an awesome beach vacation. [ Risa was great, man. Kirk is the best. ]

Yeah. Still haven't managed to graduate anyone.

Yeah, I didn't have some lady to wipe my ass because I couldn't do it for myself. Soooo fucking sorry that trolls take care of their-fucking-selves because we're not pissy little weaklings pooping all over ourselves when we get shot out.

...

Sorry, I'm just having trouble imagining you as a shitty little baby trying to wipe your own ass.

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