fuckity | CG: SO THIS IS THE FIRST VIDEO POST OF THE BUNCH.

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CG: SO THIS IS THE FIRST VIDEO POST OF THE BUNCH.

So, ummmmmm.

[ Cue a teenage boy addressing the network! Well, he's sort of like a teenage boy, if teenage boys were grey and had sharp nails and tiny candy corn horns. There are bags under his eyes like he hasn't slept in about, uh, a decade, and he rubs at one of them in irritation, his lips peeling back into a bit of a snarl. ]

What gives? Exactly? I sign up for one thing and get a-fucking-nother? What the everloving turd is up with that? Oh, hey, guys, Karkat's showed up, let's all change the rules and move everything around and really confuse everyone and shit! Haha! Thank you and fuck you very kindly!

[ He pauses a beat, face still screwed up into something irritated - 'tch', he punctuates everything with a glance off to the side and seems to be thinking hard about something. ]

I'm going to look for apple juice. Because I know some asshole and he never shuts the actual bleeding fuck up about apple juice. If I can find anything on this thing!!

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You said 'you,' which is me, which means hey, not a warden.

. . . Really good description, though.

Oh. I thought we were going for the prophetic 'you' here, and, you know what, never mind.

Yes, thank you, I'm a master of vocabulary.

You clearly did way better in English than I did. Which is impressive, considering the. [He gestures at his own head, about where horns would be.] Is English even your first language?

Include it in your letter. I might even write it down myself.

[ What- oh. Karkat rubs at one of his nubs, almost self-consciously. ] Spoken, yeah. Written, no. Trolls are weird.

Well, if that's impressive, there's a whole cacophony of shit that I'll just occasionally rain down from the skies; just take your pick.

Is the answer to "what the hell does that mean" an interesting one or should I just not ask?

So basically I'll be following you around with a tape recorder.

Uhhh, not particularly. [ He holds up two fingers. ] Wrigglers learn two written languages in the school hive, [ and he ticks each off, ] English, and Alternian. Alternian being native, English being the most commonly used fucking language in the universe.

Nope, you can't just record this shit for prosperity. You've got to suck this down, glean what you can and follow the world-weary quest of hoping to recreate the monstrosities that escape my protein chute and being basically doomed for eternal failure.

Seriously? The more you know. I hope Alternian spelling makes more sense.

If I can be second best I might die happy. Make me your disciple.

Well, yeah, that's not hard to do. You know what really pisses me off? Unlockable. It means you can unlock something, and it means it can't be locked! It's the same fucking word with two mutually exclusive definitions! Who the fuck wants to learn this codswabble?

I'm accepting applications for followers as we speak. You'll make a good candidate.

What, you don't like contradictions to every single rule ever? [He snorts.] I can't believe you used the word codswabble, though.

Sweet. Just so you know, I'm holding my breath until I get accepted. Literally.

And they call us trolls. [ Huff HUFF, it's a WORD. ] Stick around long enough and I might even goshnabbit. [ Spoilers: He never goshnabbits. ]

If I actually wait before I process anything, do you pass out in a pile of your own failures? Also known as pillows.

I pass out and die and it's all your fault. You get demoted to inmate and somebody chokes you in your sleep. Turnabout's fair play. So, yeah, be nice to me.

I just wouldn't sleep! Keep an eye open and see if anyone tries to jump you then, hah.

[ Karkat is really, incredibly offended by hypothetical scenarios a lot. ]

Besides, I'm not your keeper! If you wanna practice your kinks, bro, just practice them in the opposite direction from me!

Wow, this conversation just went places I wasn't anticipating it'd go.

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