fuckity | CG: SO THIS IS THE FIRST VIDEO POST OF THE BUNCH.

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CG: SO THIS IS THE FIRST VIDEO POST OF THE BUNCH.

So, ummmmmm.

[ Cue a teenage boy addressing the network! Well, he's sort of like a teenage boy, if teenage boys were grey and had sharp nails and tiny candy corn horns. There are bags under his eyes like he hasn't slept in about, uh, a decade, and he rubs at one of them in irritation, his lips peeling back into a bit of a snarl. ]

What gives? Exactly? I sign up for one thing and get a-fucking-nother? What the everloving turd is up with that? Oh, hey, guys, Karkat's showed up, let's all change the rules and move everything around and really confuse everyone and shit! Haha! Thank you and fuck you very kindly!

[ He pauses a beat, face still screwed up into something irritated - 'tch', he punctuates everything with a glance off to the side and seems to be thinking hard about something. ]

I'm going to look for apple juice. Because I know some asshole and he never shuts the actual bleeding fuck up about apple juice. If I can find anything on this thing!!

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What's the thing you signed up for, asshole?

It's set to "Don't Stop Believing." It goes a little something like, Ka~rkat, is the gre~eatest-- So get down on your kne~ees, yeah--

[ It's a little known fact that Journey is a universal constant. ]

Well, here, numbnuts!

Uh, I'm not a shithead slaughterous psychopath so I guess that makes me a Warden.

Well, fuck you, too, dickhead.

Fuck you first, bro! You ask, I answer!

Glad to be of service. [ Look at how many fucks she gives! Not a single one. Not a one in the world. ]

They've taken away everything else that made this place bearable, just about.

...Isn't ambrosia like, orange juice and coconut? I've never had it, but it sounds good.

Ass~holes yelling in the void . . .

No, fuck you for thinking all inmates are psychopaths, you dick!

Specify? It's not like I have anything to compare it to. [ And the last 'ship' he was on sure had a hell of a lot less than this place, from what he understands so far. ]

... Ew. What? Food of the motherfucking gods, it means, a clown told me. What kind of shitfest food would orange juice and coconuts be? A really shitty fest.

[Riddick snorts and heads back into -- hey, that'd be a kitchen. He digs in a big industrial sized refrigerator and puts down a pitcher.]

We supposedly do.

WA-OHHHHHH.

[ His voice keeps cracking on the notes, it's adorable. ]

But seriously, I'm writing that damn letter. You can sing it, I'll figure out who I make it out to.

Sure, there's that. [ She rolls her eyes. ] But people make a drink called ambrosia too. You know, a real thing that actually exists?

[ But back to that first question. ]

There used to be a bar, a pool, a spa, a special training room... All sorts of cool things.

[ His eyes roll. ] Well, they certainly did something incredibly fucking stupid in order to get themselves landed here. You don't get thrown into prison on daisy chains and asspats.

You are an unbelievable shithead and I feel really fucking sorry for whoever you get paired with.

Ouch, sick, I'm really wounded by all these harsh burns.

You don't know the first thing about me, asshole. I could be the greatest warden this piece of shit's ever seen and you'd never know because you've just got your undergarments all tangled up in your nook. What are you, an Inmate who's devious ways just got offended? Or the best buddy Warden who thinks every bad-doer out there's just misunderstood?

[ Welp, yep, that sure is a lot of apple juice. ]

Okay, okay, I'm coming. Make sure nobody pees in it while I'm gone or something.

Yeah, eat me, cocksucker.

Oh, yeah? Seriously, I doubt you could graduate a fucking nun. And I'm none of your goddamn business, cuntwaffle.

....yeah I'll do that.

[You are getting the weirdest look.]

[Oh my god, he's great, Cassel's keeping him.]

So I'm your minstrel, basically.

[ Okay but Karkat only sleeps on velvet cushions and that's final! ]

That depends on if that means you're going to follow me around with like a fucking ukulele or something.

[ It's okay, he's used to them. He hangs up and makes his way on down. ]

[ It takes him a good long time to find it, but his sense of direction isn't so fucked that it's woeful. He's pushing his way into the room curiously when he arrives, peering around. ]

Kitchen?

Kitchen.

[That's Riddick, calling from the back. in person, he looks Karkat up and down.]

What's with the horns? Bodymod or nonhuman?

[Aaaand now he's leaning in to sniff Karkat.]

Hahaha! [ It's less a laugh, more of a shitty pronunciation of each 'ha' in Chris' direction to emphasize his point. ] You fucking wish.

Nun, what is a nun even. [ Or a 'cunt' for that matter, but he's going to assume it's a flavor of waffle and not understand why this is a particular insult. ] I could graduate one with my eyes closed, I bet you goddamn boonbucks on that one.

You don't know what a nun is but you throw made-up bullshit words like boonbucks at me. Okay.

And for your fucking information, I'm an inmate and I've never killed anyone in my fucking life. So fuck your game.

No. Well, not this in particular.

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